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Blagues
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Blagues -
Acronymes
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Acronym
Alphabetic Collocation Reducing Or Numbering Your Memory
A Concise Reduction Of Nomenclature Yielding Mnemonics
Another Cheap Round Of Network Yawn Makers
A Capitalised Representation of Names You Memorize
Compagnies aériennes
AA Abort! Abort!
Always Awful
AI Allah Informed
Alitalia Always Late In Transit (ou Take-off), Always Late In Arrival
Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
A Little Italian Tit And Lotsa Italitan Ass
A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude
American A Miricle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and
Nausea
AUA Almost Unknown Airline
AWA Always Wasting Assets
BA Bloody Awful
British Apoplectic
BEA Better Eat Afterwards
BOAC Better On A Camel
Blast Off And Crash
Boeing Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens
BWIA Baggage Wandering In Africa
Better Walk If you're Able
Born to Wait In Airports
But Will I Arrive?
CAAC Chinese Airlines Always Cancel
Dan Air Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough
Delta Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability
Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals
Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta
Doesn't Even Leave The Airport
Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard
Doesn't Experience Like This Andrenalize?
Don't Even Let Them Aboard
Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly
EAA Even Apes Aviate
El Al Egyptian Louting Arab Loathing
Every Landing Always Late
Every Landing Always Lousy
Everyones Luggage Always Lost
Finnair Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airbourne In Reality
JAL Journey Always Late
JAT Joke About Time
Liat Luggage Is Always Tardy
Lot Lots Of Trouble
Lufthansa Let Us Fiddle The Hostess And Not Say Anything
Let Us Fuck The Hostess As No Steward's Available
MAS May Actually Shit
Northwest Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless,
Excruciatingly Sluggish Transport
Olympic Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PAL Prick Always Long
Pan Am Passengers Always Need A Mortician
Pilots Are Not A Must
Poor Airline Needs Any Money
PIA Passenger's Illegal Abductor
Perhaps I Arrive
Please Inform Allah
PSA Paul's Saturday Airline
PWA Pete's Wobbly Airline
Piddly Widdly Airline
PLease Wait Awhile
Qantas Queasy and Nauseous, Tired And Sick
Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards
Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian Style
Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely
Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship
Sabena Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAHSA Stay At Home, Stay Alive
SAS Service After Sex
Sex And Satisfaction
Such A S***
Sia Sex In the Air
Singapore Imitates America
TACA Take Another Carrier Always
Take A Coffin Along
Tome Alcohol Cuanda Aborda
TAP Take A Parachute
Take Another Plane
Thy They Hate You
TWA That Was Accidental
That Was Awful
Travel With Arabs
Teeny Weeny Airlines
Try Walking Across
Try With Another
Today's Worst Airline
Tomorrow We'll Arrive
Tomorrow's Widebody Accident
Totally Wasted Airlines
United U Need Insurance That Exempts Death
Usually Not Enclined To Eliminate Disasters
USAir (used to be Allegheny Airlines):
Unfortunately Still Allegheny In Reality
Uta Unlikely To Arrive
Unable To Ascend
Varig Virgin's Are Rare In Glasgow
Virgin Very Interesting Ride: Going Into Nymphos
Voitures et motos
AMC All Makes off Cars
Almost Makes Corners
Audi Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW Boring Middle-aged Wheels
Belongs to My Wife
Bayerische Mist Wagen (en allemand: voiture à fumier bavaroise)
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Waste
Big Money Works
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
Born Moderately Wealthy.
Break My Windows
Broken Money Waster
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Brutal Money Waster
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Big Money Waster
Blasphemized Motorized Wreck
Bastard Money Wielders
Busted My Wallet
But at least my Motor Works
Buick Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean
Barfed Up Icky Carmel Korn
Chrysler Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs
Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's
Citroen Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters
Dodge Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dangerous On Days Gears Engage
Death Overcomes Driver's Generous Ego
Datsun Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips
Fiat Failed In All Tests
F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.
Failure in Automotive Technology
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fix It Again Tony?
Fix It All the Time
Fuck in a Taxi.
Ford Fucker Only Runs Damaged
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On River-bed, Drowned
Found On Rubbish Dump
Found On Road, Dead
Fuck Off, Rally Drivers
Fucked On Race Day
Fucked Over Rebuilt Dodge
F**ker Only Runs Downhill
F*cking Over-Rated Disaster
F*ckin' Out-Right Dangerous
First On Recall Day
Forge Old Rancid Donuts
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
F*ckin Owner Real Dumb!!
For Only Redneck Drivers
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
Honda Hang On - Nicely Dangerous Apperatus
Helping Out Nips Dominating America
How Odd-No Damn Acceleration
Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile
Hand Over Dollars to Asians
Mazda Making A Zillion Dollars Anually
Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly
Mercedes Most Every Red Cent Eventually Dissipates, Extinguishing Savings
Mini Made It - Now Indisposed
Nissan Never In Synch - Screeching Awful Noises
Needs Immediate Salvage So Abandon Now
Now In Some Shitty Automobile Nightmare
Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon
Obupos Old Beat Up Piece Of Shit
Olds Old Ladies Driving Slowly
Oldsmobile Oh Look Dammit, Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel
Old Ladies Driving Slow making Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Plymouth Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood!
Pussy Lips Your MOUTH
Pontiac Poor old ni**er thinks it's a Cadillac
Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac
Pee On Nehru's Tired Italian Astronaut Cards
PORSCHE Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions
Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine
Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
RAC Ruins All Cars
Renault Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash
Rolls Royce Regarded Only as Luxury Life Style.
Runs Over Your Current Expences
Royal Ostentation Lets Lethargic Shits Rumble Over Yogurt-Consuming Esthetes
Saab Some Accesories Always Broken
Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies
Such an arrogant bastard!
Swedish Automobile - Always Broken
Sable Same Auto But Less Engineering
Subaru Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium
Stop (ie rule) Spin Tyres On Pavement
Toyota Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All
Too Often Yankes Overprice This Auto
Take Only Your Ordure To America
VW Very Worthless
Volkswagen Vehicle Owner's List: Kite String, Wire, Aluminum, Gum, Engine (NOT!)
Ordinateurs et langages de programmation
ABE ABend Everything
Amiga A Merely Insignificant Games Addiction
Asinine Machine Invented for Gaming Adolescents
APL All Programming Languages
Apple All Programmers Pursuing Legal Ends
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
BASIC Bloody Awful System It Creates
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
BBB Blame IBM
BBC Bloody Brilliant Computer
BBI Branch on Burned-out Indicator
BPO Branch on Power Off
BTO Blame The Operator
BTP Blame The Programmer
BTU Blame The User
C Crap
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL Complies Only Because Of Luck
Complete Obsolete Business Orientated Language
DEC Do Expect Cuts
Dos Defunct (Defective) Operating System
EJZ Excrement & Jump on Zero
GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out
IBM Incredibly Bad Machine
Incredibly Boring Macines
Incredibly Beautiful Machines
Industry's Big Mistake
I Built Microsoft
I'm Building Macintosh
It's Being Mended
It's Been Malfunctioning
Imence Ball of Muck
I Believe in Memorex
It's Better than Macintosh
Idiots Built Me
Intense Bowel Movement
Inferior But Marketable?
It's Better Manually
Infinitely Better Macintosh
Indefinitely Buggered Machine
I Bought a Mac
I Broke Mine
I Blame Microsoft
Intentinally Brainless Machines
It's Backwards Man
Incompatible Bloody Machines
Infernal Bloody Monoploy
Internal Beurocratic Mess
Installed By Mistake
Inferior But Marketable
It's Backwards, Man
It Barely Moves
I Buy Mainframes
I Believe Mainframe (in the seventies)
I Believe Microcomputer (in the eighties)
I Believe Miracles! (in the nineties)
I Blew Money
Itty Bitty Machines
Itty Bitty Mentality
Incomplete But Marketable
Incepted By Monkeys
Incompetent Bumbling Morons
Immence Blue Monolith
It *Bit* Me!!
Idiotic Brainless Machines
I've Been Mugged
Imitation British Manufacture
Invented By Monkeys
I Beg Mercy
I Blame Microsoft
I Bought Macintosh
Idiots Become Managers
Idiots Bought Me
Illustrative of Bad Marketing
Immense Bins of Money
Immense Bucket of Manure
Imperialism By Marketing
Impractical But Marketable
In a Befuddled Manner
In Business for Money
Incredible Bunch of Muffinheads
Incredibly Big Machine
Industry's Biggest Mistake
Insipid Brainless Monster
Insolence Breeds Mediocrity
Installed By Masochists
Institute of Broken Minds
Intensely Boring Machines
International Bureaucracy Merchants
Involuntary Bowel Movements
It Beats Mattel
It's Broken Mummy
I've Been Misled
Inferior But Marketable
It's Better Manually
Insidious Black Magic
It's Been Malfunctioning
Incontinent Bowel Movement
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
LISP Lots Of Infuriating & Silly Parenthisis
Lots of Irritating, Stupid Parenthesis
MAC Maybe A Computer
Macintosh Machine Always Crashes. If Not, Operating System Hangs.
Most Applications Crash. If Not, Operating System Hangs.
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for)
Fools (&) Teenagers.
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
Nimbus Next, I'M Buying Useful System
NTSC : Never Twice Same Color
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
Pascal Pretty Awful Slow Cunt of A Language
PCMCIA People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics
SCSI System Can't See It
SPON Switch Processor ON
STS Switch To Spanish
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WWW World Wide Wait
Films, théatre et télévision
Animal House "Adolescents Need Idiotic Moves, And Landis Has
Obliged Us "-Siskel & Ebert.
Dracula Dark Royal As Cunning Undead Lady Attacker
Dune Dull. Uninteresting. Needs Editing
Evita Endless Vivacity In The Argentine
GMTV Give Me The Valium
Hair Hippies And Idiots Rejoice
Jaws Just A White Shark
Mash Medical Army Surviving Horrors
Rambo Rocky As Military Bozo in Orient
Star Trek Space Tirade About Romulan Tyrannical Rule,
Evil Klingons
The Hunt For The Heated Event Has Unfolded Now. That Foxy Old
Red October Red Russian Earns Defection Over Crisis. The
Operative Brought: Enigmatic Ryan.
The Sound This Has Everything: Singing Orphans, Uctuous Nuns,
Of Music Dancing Over Flowery Mountains, Unnecessary
Sweetness In Concert
Twin Peaks The Wierdest Imagary Never Previously Encountered.
Also Kompletely Surreal.
Wayne's World Wacky And Young Newcomers Excite Screen With
Original Repartee, Lunacy, Dialogue
Yentl You Evidently Need Talmudic Learning
Divers
Adidas Advertising Does Influence Dumb Asshole's Selection
All Day I Dream Of Sex
Aids Adios Infected Dick Sucker
Anally Injected Death Serum
Anus Infected Death Sentence
Another Infected Dick Sucker
BR Bloody Railways
DNA National Dyslexic Association
Hillary's Highly Inexperienced Left Liberals Academic Righteous Yuppies
NASA Need Another Seven Astronauts
Paye Pray As You Earn
Reagan Republican Ex Actor Governed American Nation
UHT Ugh, Horrible Taste
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C'est l'histoire de ce couple très dépensier qui n'arrive jamais à économiser pour prendre des vacances en Inde, ce dont ils rêvent tous les deux depuis longtemps.
Un jour, le gars a une idée: à chaque fois qu'ils feront l'amour, ils mettront un billet de côté dans une tirelire . Un an plus tard, ils décident de casser la tirelire.
Le mari compte les billets et dit:
- C'est bizarre, à chaque fois qu'on a fait l'amour, j'ai mis des billets de 100 francs dans le nourrain ( merci Me Capello), et ici je trouve des billets de 200 francs et d'autres de 500 francs...
Et la femme répond:
- Parce que tu penses que tout le monde est aussi pingre que toi peut-être?
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BONNE FETE DE LA SAINT VALENTIN
Msg#189272 in *SCMGEN* Created on 11/25/97 at 04:44:30
To: All,
From: Félicie Tassion
Subject: Tu me manques.
MON MARI CHà‰RI,
Je t'envoies cette lettre par l'intermédiaire de ton BBS pour être
certaine que tu me lises. J'espère que tu voudras bien excuser cette
ruse, mais je pensais qu'il fallait te tenir informé des dernières
nouvelles depuis que l'ordinateur est entré dans notre maison il y a
deux ans maintenant.
Les enfants vont bien. Kévin a eu 7 ans le mois dernier et ses résultats
scolaires sont bons. Tout le monde le trouve charmant et très serviable.
Il a des dons artistiques, c'est certain. L'autre jour à l'école, il a
fait un portrait de famille: tous les visages étaient bien réussis,
l'arrière de ton crâne, en particulier, était très réaliste. Tu devrais
être fier de lui.
Mélissa a eu trois ans en Septembre. Elle ressemble beaucoup à toi quand
tu avais cet âge là . Elle est intelligente. Elle se souvient même que
tu as passé toute une après-midi avec nous le jour de son anniversaire.
Elle en garde un excellent souvenir, même si c'était un jour d'orage et
que l'électricité avait été coupée.
Quant à moi, je vais bien. Je me suis fait teindre en blonde l'an
dernier, et je me suis rendu compte que c'était vraiment super! Georges,
je veux dire, Monsieur Durand le chef du personnel, est devenu très ...
intéressé par ma carrière. Depuis, il est aussi devenu un ami très
proche.
J'ai trouvé les tâches ménagères beaucoup plus faciles quand j'ai
découvert que 'faire la poussière' te faisait éternuer, mais que tu
n'avais rien contre l'aspirateur. La maison est vraiment bien
maintenant. On a retapissé le salon au printemps dernier, sauf la partie
où tu as installé ton bureau qui est restée avec l'ancien papier-peint
(on a pas voulu t'embêter avec ça).
Bon, eh bien chéri, je dois partir. Oncle George, euh Monsieur Durand
nous emmène tous au ski et il faut qu'on préparer les valises. J'ai
demandé à la femme de ménage qu'elle s'occupe de la maison pendant ces
vacances. C'est elle aussi qui te fera du café et qui t'amènera tes
repas près de l'ordinateur.
J'espère que toi et l'ordinateur passerez du bon temps pendant notre
absence. Kévin, Mélissa et moi penserons à toi souvent. Essaie de te
souvenir de nous pendant que le disque boote.
Affection, Félicie
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C'est une charmante jeune fille qui se prépare pour aller au bal du quartier.
Sa maman l'observe pendant les préparatifs (vous savez chez les filles en général ça prend du temps).
La jeune fille a mis sa plus belle robe mais celle-ci est un courte.
Par mégarde elle fait tomber sa boucle d'oreille et se penche pour la ramasser. à” stupeur sa maman s'aperçoit que sa fille n'as mis de culotte!
- Allons ma petite fille, tu ne vas pas quand même aller au bal sans mettre de culotte ??
- à‰coute maman quand on va a un concert on ne met pas des boules Quiès !!!!
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Il est minuit et Momo rentre chez lui. En se dirigeant vers sa chambre, il entend du bruit dans la chambre de ses parents. Il jette un oeil par le trou de la serrure et voit son père entrain de faire des choses avec sa mère...
Fou de rage, il va dans la chambre de sa grand-mère, la déshabille et lui la baise. La grand-mère se met à gémir.
Le père entend la grand-mère faisant des bruits bizarres. Il arrête ce qu'il était entrain de faire et se pointe dans la chambre de la grand-mère. Bien sûr, il est surpris et demande à Momo :
"Mais qu'est ce que tu fais là , mon fils, tu es fou ou quoi ?"
Et Momo répond :
"Tu niques ma mère, alors je nique ta mère..."
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